I never enjoyed being pregnant

There is supposed to be no greater joy, than a mother finding out she has life growing within her womb. That is what we are told anyway. The miracle of life, and we are supposed to be over joyed and more thankful than ever. I even hear stories from other moms who have had a child before and how they wish they were pregnant again so they could this tiny miracle growing inside them, and feel there every kick and move.

Now, before you jump to conclusion, allow me to explain. Due to certain feminine problems I experienced while growing up, my Doctor told me it would be very hard for me to get pregnant. So truth is, I never expected to have a child. Then while working at a football game when I was 18, I passed out and later after an ambulance ride to the hospital, I learned I was pregnant. I was shocked and after the shock wore off, I was really happy. Then reality set in.

When I went for my first exam, I learned that I had a short cervix, or that was what the Dr. said anyway. But when you have a short cervix, basically it means instead of your cervix being closed when you’re pregnant, mine was opening up. They told me I would be lucky to carry my child passed 20 weeks. I was devastated. With every passing day and passing week it was always in the back of my head. “is today the day I miscarry my child”. It was horrible. But I guess destiny had other ideas. I carried my child past 20 weeks, but had to have monthly ultrasounds, and more than normal frequent visits with my OBGYN. Then around 7 months, my cervix started opening a little more, plus my son wasn’t gaining any weight. So according to the Dr. one of two things could happen.

  1. I would have to have a cap put over my cervix to hopefully keep my cervix closed
  2. If the water around the baby inside the placenta didn’t have the right nutrients, they were going to have to do an emergency C-section.

So once again, I am terrified and envisioning the worst. But thankfully, destiny had another plan and I carried my child to full term.

Due to the problems I experienced, my Dr. wanted me to go ahead and get a tubal. But I said no cause I would like to try for another child later on and chose to go on birth control. But once again Destiny decided to jump in and when my son was 6 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. I was horrified, and I cried and cried. My Fiancé was so happy and I’m sitting their crying cause I had already had one bad pregnancy and just wasn’t ready to deal with another one.

Sure enough I had to see the Dr. Still more frequently than most women, had to have monthly ultrasounds all over again. But more problems arose due to the fact that I had gotten pregnant before my body could fully heal from the first pregnancy. By the time my daughter was due, the Doctors had already determined that due to the complications, they would not allow me to carry her past her due date. I already had my admission papers and due to be admitted on August 9th 2002 at 6 am so they could induce me and monitor me and my child really close. But she decided to come a little early and was born August 8th 2002 at 11:30. Just 30 minutes before her due date. I thought I was in the clear, then fate stepped in and gave us all a rude awakening. Two days after I brought her home, I was still having trouble breathing, and now when I spit, it looked like blood. I went to the hospital, and my oxygen level was so low, they were amazed I was able to walk in by myself. Later I found out I had heart failure due to delivery, Pneumonia and a URI. There was so much fluid around my heart and on my body that is was putting a strain on my heart. I was in the hospital for the first week of my daughter’s life. I was devastated and crying so much, the Doctors finally put some medication through my IV and knocked me out. I think I was in and out for a couple days.  But I had a good support system, and between my mom, my fiancé mom, and my aunt. Both my kids were taken care of. Later when I asked my heart Dr. If it was safe for me to ever have another kid, he told me maybe after about 5 years. But there was no guarantee. They said if I was to get pregnant, I could have heart failure all over again and the next time, it could be worse or even kill me.

My daughter was 2 years old when I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I nearly passed out as soon as the nurse came back to tell me I was pregnant. So once again, instead of being over joyed, I was devastated and scared to death. I had to have another heart ultrasound done, not to mention way more frequent Dr. Visits, and monthly ultrasounds. I begged and begged my Dr. to take my son as soon as it was safe to instead of carrying him to term and risk even more complications. After months of begging, my Dr. finally agreed to deliver my son two weeks early. My son was born May 25th 2005, just a few days before his dad’s birthday at 2 in the morning. At 8 in the morning, they came down and took me to have my tubal.

I am more than thankful for my 3 beautiful children. Things could have turned out worse and they could of never made it here, or I could be gone. Looking back now, it was worth the risk. It worth waking up being terrified everyday while I was pregnant wondering what else could go wrong and would I live to see my child let alone to see all my children grow. It was worth it all. The only wish I have it I wish I could of enjoyed being pregnant instead of being terrified and worried the whole time.

Growing up, I overheard my mom and her friend talking about how pregnancy is the closest thing to death that a women comes to. I once asked her about it, but she never explained. I don’t think she really understood it either. But after having my kids especially my daughter. I understand that saying more now than ever. There is so much that can go wrong with a pregnancy, but we hardly ever hear about the bad things. We always hear how wonderful it is, and so forth. And granted is it a wonder thing. But from my experience, it is the scariest thing I had ever had to face. It scares me so bad, that I am terrified to think what could happen if my daughter were to end up pregnant. The problems I had could actually be passed down to her. She is strong, but it doesn’t mean her outcome would be the same as mine. That thought alone scares me to death.

So while pregnancy may be a wonderful thing, it isn’t a decision you should take lightly. I know things happen. But if you can manage it, it is a great idea to try to plan even for the worst.

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